What feels like a lie, usually is.

Ever have that feeling, like something was just a lie the entire time? That's how my whole marriage feels. Like one big giant lie. Did he ever really love me? Probably not. At least so it feels. I know I loved him. It all just never has made any sense. He came back and was just gone. Got of the plane and had his mind already made. Waited for weeks to tell me. Acted as if things were going to get better, maybe. I feel like such a fool. To invest so much time and my heart into a relationship for it to just go down the drain. Its hard not to be bitter. To tell me your just ready to move on, but taking your sweet time to file the papers. What am I supposed to think?

I just want a straight answer. I don't think its too much to ask.

I feel so jerked around. How do you do that to someone and live with yourself as if your doing the right thing?

How do you move on and not be scarred for life and open your heart to someone again?

But again I hear its all me. Figures.

My, make up my own dinner day

So its in between paydays and I only got so much from the store dinner wise. We've already had a couple fend for yourself dinners. I made my own version of this Aussie chicken last night which was good. I'll post a link to it. But tonight I'm going to try to not find a recipe online and make up my own. I've got chicken, broccoli, carrots and rice along with quite a bit of Asian seasoning. Especially sesame oil. Love that stuff. Oh and I always use jasmine rice. Like the sticky rice you get with take out. Yum!

So I used about 8/9 chicken tenderloins. Cut up in to bite size pieces. Then added a 1/8 cup of sesame oil. 2 Tbsp of rice wine vinegar. 1/2 tsp of ginger minced and the same for some garlic. Cooked the chicken till it was just done through. Added frozen broccoli and carrots. And 1/2 cup of reduced sodium soy sauce. I like my sauce thick  so I added a tsp of corn starch to 1/4 cup of cold water. Pour in to sauce. Boil one minute. Turn low and simmer till veggies are the constantancy of your liking.

It was really good! My picky girls even loved it!

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/aussie-chicken/detail.aspx
Here is the Aussie Chicken I made. I left out the cheese, used real onion, shredded, and used light mayo, not as much mustard cause I ran out, and didn't use the parsley.


Sorry the pic is side ways I don't know how to fix it.
This is the Asian Chicken.

The Pretty Reckless/ The Hollywood Kills/ Nameless Guardian show

So myself and my bff went out last night to a concert. Hince the title name, those are the bands that played. Never seen any of them before but they were all great! It was nice to get out and take a break. Its hard to take photos at a concert but I tried. Taylor Momsen of Gossip Girl is the lead singer for Pretty Reckless, and she was awesome! The lead singer for Nameless Guardian was good too! They are a local band. I was kinda sad we missed some of my other favorite local bands paying last night. Allele, and  Mindslip. But I'll see them at Rockville Rumble next weekend. Which is huge, and there is talk of a sellout. Shinedown, Halestorm, Five Finger Death Punch, Evanescence, are just a few that are playing. I'm pretty excited for that! Its my birthday weekend. Hopefully I'll be able to get some pics of that.

The song that got me through.

At the end of your rope
Hanging by a thread
He'd give anything for this to just go away
This grip is only so strong

I try to hold on tightly
But it's all slipping through my fingers
And I feel a moment, aspirations betray
Eyes that once beamed with hope now only stare in remorse

Even through this pain
I will feel again
Even through these tears 
I will love again
Even through this pain
I will feel again
Even through these tears
I will love again

There will be no pity
There will be no sorrow
For today these hands may tremble
But this heart will never give in

Even through this pain
I will feel again
Even through these tears
I will love again
Even through this pain
I will feel again
Even through these tears
I will love again

And I will not fall
Fall from grace
And I will not fall

I will not fall from grace
I will not fall from grace

You're at the end of your rope
You're at the end of your rope
You're at the end of your rope
I will feel again
You're at the end of your rope
I will love again

So I posted the lyrics just in case you don't feel like listening. Or can't. 


This was already written out, and I effed it all up so its a new rewrite. 


This song got me through a lot of tears, pain, and thoughts. It all came out of no where that my marriage was ending. I mean I knew we were having issues, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. We just decided it was a good time to have a baby and then bam, over and done. He didn't even fight for it. Just gave up. Claimed he just couldn't be the marrying type. Which I call major bullshit. But I won't go into what I really think. Let's just say I've learned to always trust my instincts. 


So I felt like major crap. Didn't eat for over a week. Lost 10 pounds in that week. I felt devastated. My whole world came crashing down. Eight years together, 6 married. Just gone. And I brought my daughters in to his life, and they weren't his, and now they have to live with the fact their real father isn't around cause he was a druggie, abusive ass, and the guy they grew up knowing as their Dad, isn't, and is gone. He still sticks around for them now, and if he didn't I'd probably punch him in his dumb head. But he's there for them when they need him. 


So everyday for the longest time I just replayed it all over in my head. The fights, the begging, and everything in between. I just felt like I was sinking lower and lower. But I snapped out of it, and realized all the shit I put up with in that time, and how I lost myself in the process. It was always about him. What he wanted. He got all the new and good stuff, and I got the hand me downs. Granted I did have two brand new cars, but they were the family vehicle, and I didn't ask for them to be new or expensive. 


So here I am, finding myself again. And repeating these lyrics to myself. "Even through this pain, I will feel again, Even through these tears, I will love again" because I will. And I have. I've started focusing on the important things in my life. Me, my kids and my future career. Because I can do this all on my own. I will never rely on anyone else to take care of me.  

A little about how I ended up here.

This isn't about how it happened, or why. It's about my journey through. I'm hoping this will help me, and anyone else in this position. 


I'm 27. 
A mother of 3 great kids. 2 girls and a boy.
I don't have my GED, or a job. I'm going through divorce after 6 years of marriage. 
I'm starting over. 


A little about how it all began...
I had my oldest daughter Kai at 16. Stupid, I know. Then my middle girl Lo, at 18. Both with the same Dad. I quit school, and went off to live with their Dad in a city far away from family. Definitely the wrong decision. We stayed together 4 years. I got tired of the crap. So, I up and left in 2004. He's no longer in the picture.


I was working at a motorcycle shop. Met my soon to be ex husband there. Things were great. We decided to get pregnant. Our boy, Jack. Well, things didn't work out. But he's around and doing his job as a Dad.


So here I am, 3 kids to take care of by myself. Living at home with my parents. Trying to get my GED, so I can start school to become a registered Dietitian. This time around I'm never going to be in a position where I have to rely on anyone to take care of me. I'm building back up my self confidence. I'm learning from my mistakes, cause I know it wasn't just one sided in my relationships. I'm learning that you have to accept people for who they are, you can't change them. Or they never really change either. I'm getting healthy by starting back up exercising, and eating right. I'm learning how to become a better parent. 


I was super young when I had to grow up, so I'm finally just now discovering myself. Only about a week ago did I realize what I even wanted to go to college for. I lost myself, and now I'm finding it again. And learning to never let it go for anyone. 


So that's me. This is my journey.